'A Death in the Family' Script

This is the script for a hypothetical ten minute short film for my Screenwriting module at university. Surprisingly, my main influence for this story was The Twilight Zone episode, 'Long Distance Call' (1961). In that episode an elderly woman dies leaving her distraught grandson with a toy telephone so he can contact her. Because it's the Twilight Zone, the woman can contact him and she tries to coax him into suicide so he can be with her in the afterlife. It was made in the early '60s so obviously the boy survives thanks to his father's intervention and pleading with his mother to let him go, but the idea of a boy can even consider suicide due to a combination of sadness and a lack of understanding about the true circumstances of his grandmother's disappearance was extremely edgy for 1961 and it fascinated me. I stripped my story of the obvious horror elements of the influence and decided to make my script a straight tragedy; a cautionary tale about the requirement of telling children the truth about death no matter how much it would hurt them to spare them the sometimes destructive side-effect of curiosity and uncertainty. The title of the story was dervived from a Type O Negative song, 'Bloody Kisses (A Death in the Family)', the mood of which was another influence on my writing.

Unfortunately, like my short story 'The Shadow's Shadow', 'A Death in the Family' was a victim of compression due to the ten minute (ten page) limit. As a result of this, the ending of the story is rushed. In the draft, I wanted April's breakdown to be more fatal and Lee to be even more powerless; April attempts to impose her fantasy world upon Daniel are so forceful that they lead to his leaving home and him visiting places his grandfather took him to. The dereliction and remoteness of places like the moors and the woods disillusion him and he experiences the final epiphany that his grandfather has gone and he'll never return and those places have lost their lusture; leading into the final ending. I'm working on a short story adaptation of this script so may be I might include these original ideas again as I'm free from constrictions. I would also change the amount of crying Daniel does to silences; it would foreshadow how Daniel takes everything up around him like a sponge. I have rambled on for long enough though, so here's 'A Death in the Family' the only creative piece I have submitted to any academic institution I am marginally proud of. Excuse the incorrect formatting of this script, Blogger does not allow it.

EXT. RIVERSIDE - DAY

FADE IN.

A vortex of water SWIRLS, creating a sound of RIPPLING. A vague shape moves underneath it.

The rippling stops and the vague shape reveals itself to be a reflection of a child, DANIEL (7); a person who inhabits a test-tube.

Daniel, dressed in a black suit and tie, creates another vortex in the river by STIRRING it with a twig.

His mother APRIL (30), a corrosive chemical, comes up behind him, takes the twig, TUTS and throws it in the river.

April wears a black dress and a black net veil. She adjusts her veil constantly by trying to centre it.

She takes Daniel's hand and leads him to the churchyard overlooking the river, weaving in and out of mourners.

INT. CHURCH - DAY

April and Daniel reclaim their places at the front of the church next to Daniel's father, LEE (31); the lid on the test-tube; and his weeping grandmother, FLORENCE (64).

Mourners are making their way into the church, slowly filling up pews.

At the head of the church is the REVEREND, readying his sermon at the font, and a coffin, with the floral epitaph 'GRANDFATHER' draped around it.

LATER

The reverend continues to drone on incomprehensibly.

Daniel stares at the coffin in front of him. Frowning, he turns his head towards it, trying to examine it as much as he can from where he is sitting.

REVEREND

...and now the congregation will rise for hymn number 52:3: 'All Things Bright and Beautiful.'

The CONGREGATION rises, each holding a hymn book.

The ORGANIST starts playing the introduction to the hymn.

April nudges Daniel to stand.

Daniel ignores her, his sights still on the coffin.

April nudges him again.

Daniel finally obeys, his attention still fixed onto the coffin.

CONGREGATION

'All things bright and beautiful...'

As the hymn continues, the coffin lowers on its platform out of view.

INT. PUB FUNCTION ROOM -DAY

A traditional wake. Pathetic waves of people clutter up the function room in groups. The low murmur of their conversation is blocked out by the sound of soul music.

Daniel, sitting alone at a table, watches his cousins play tag in front of him. They beckon to him to play, but he ignores them and stares into space.

Still staring, Daniel tries to reach his glass of Coke, but he ends up spilling it down his white shirt, staining it.

In an instant, April joins him and tries to wipe his suit with a tissue.

The stain persists.

APRIL

Oh Daniel! That was a brand new suit!

Daniel looks at his mother open-mouthed and begins to cry.

DANIEL

I'm sorry, Mummy, I didn't mean to.

April gives him a small smile and hugs him.

APRIL

No, Mummy's sorry. I shouldn't have shouted at you, especially not today.

DANIEL

(Still hugging his mother)

Will GRANDAD be away for long?

They break off their embrace.

April looks into Daniel's eyes and begins sobbing.

APRIL

We'll see him again. Someday.

A child, JANE (5), bumps into April accidentally.

JANE

I'm sorry, Auntie April.

April wipes her eyes.

APRIL

That's okay, Jane.

April looks at Daniel again.

APRIL (CONT'D)

Say Daniel, why don't you play with your cousins?

DANIEL

No thank you, Mummy.

APRIL

Oh come on! You hardly see them!

DANIEL

Yes, Mummy.

Daniel moves off his chair, his head bowed down, and follows Jane onto the dancefloor with the other children.

April looks on and begins crying again.

INT. PUB FUNCTION ROOM - NIGHT

A slow, acoustic song plays and the dancefloor is filled with couples slow dancing.

Daniel is sat at the same table as before, alone again.

His UNCLE ANTHONY eyes him up from the other end of the room and joins him.

Out of their sight, April and Lee are eavesdropping and move towards them slowly.

ANTHONY

All right, kid?

DANIEL

Yeah.

ANTHONY

You sure? You're sat on your own.

Daniel frowns.

DANIEL

I like it.

ANTHONY

That's all very well but Danny, no one should be sat alone on a day like today.

DANIEL

Why not?

ANTHONY

When a family member di... goes away, you should be spending time with your family that are still here. People need each other.

DANIEL

The only person I need is Grandad. But it's okay though because Mummy said that I'll see him again.

Anthony raises his eyebrows.

ANTHONY

She said that?

DANIEL

Yeah. She said 'someday'. Someday's better than never, isn't it?

ANTHONY

It is but, how can I put it?

Lee approaches with April behind him.

LEE

Anthony! How's it going, buddy? Listen, can I have a word with you in private?

ANTHONY

Sure.

Anthony stands up from his chair and puts his arm around Daniel's shoulder.

ANTHONY (CONT'D)

(To Daniel)

Remember what I said.

Anthony grabs Daniel's cheeks, winks at him and leaves with Lee.

April runs her fingers through her hair and sits in Anthony's chair.

APRIL

What did he say?

DANIEL

Nothing.

APRIL

Come on, Danny, I'm sure he said something.

DANIEL

Nothing!

April grabs Daniel by the lapels.

APRIL

Daniel, you tell me what he said!

DANIEL

All right, Mum! He just said that I need people so that I'm not lonely.

APRIL

Oh!

April smiles, lets go of Daniel's coat, rubs down the creases and takes his hand.

APRIL (CONT'D)

You don't need people, Dan. You have us, your loving family. Your daddy and I will make sure that you're never alone.

She kisses Daniel on the cheek.

DANIEL

Sure, Mum.

Daniel looks in the direction of Lee and Anthony.

DANIEL (CONT'D)

What did Daddy want with Uncle Anthony?

Anthony and Lee stand with their backs towards the bar, watching the dancers.

Eventually, Anthony speaks and Lee looks at him.

ANTHONY

Thought you wanted a word?

Lee looks uneasy at Anthony.

ANTHONY (CONT'D)

Have you told him?

LEE

Told him what?

ANTHONY

You know full well.

He averts his gaze from Anthony and turns towards the bar, his back now to the dancers.

LEE

Well he adored his grandad, you know?

ANTHONY

They were quite a double-act.

LEE

Yeah. But to have that and then, all of a sudden, it's gone... It'd destroy him.

Anthony turns to join Lee. Both of them now have their backs to the dancers.

ANTHONY

It should be a perfect opportunity to explain it to him.

LEE

May be...

Lee breaks into tears and mops up his eyes with the handkerchief from his suit jacket.

Anthony puts his hand on Lee's shoulder.

ANTHONY

Come on.

LEE

It'd break his heart. Daniel's such a happy child and to see that go --

ANTHONY

He's a clever kid, he'll learn to adapt. Besides, I think he can tell something's wrong.

LEE

How can you tell?

ANTHONY

Look at him! He's been in his own world all day. Just tell him.

LEE

But not seeing his grandfather again --

ANTHONY

It's sad, but coming to grips with loss is how you move on. Daniel's still growing and he's got a lot to learn.

LEE

I guess so.

ANTHONY

So please, tell him. May be not today, but soon. He deserves to know the truth.

The song changes to a rock and roll song.

Anthony and Lee turn around to watch the dancers again.

April drags Daniel onto the dancefloor.

She smiles at Daniel and does a slow jig.

Daniel mimics his mother's movements, but his head is still bowed down.

April pulls Daniel's head up with her palm.

ANTHONY

(With contempt)

Oh look.

Lee shrugs.

ANTHONY (CONT'D)

She's the reason, isn't she?

Lee shakes his head and sips his drink.

INT. DANIEL'S BEDROOM - NIGHT

The room is a small bedroom with navy blue walls. It is engulfed in darkness save for a nightlight that is at the side of Daniel's bed.

Daniel lies on top of his bed stroking his toy cuddly rabbit, its attached tag says 'To Daniel, lots of love from Nanny and Grandad xxx'.

DANIEL

(To the rabbit)

Grandad, I'm sorry I was naughty when you looked after me last.

Daniel gets off of the bed and wanders around the bedroom as if looking for something.

He eventually settles on his wardrobe which he opens and PEERS into.

DANIEL (CONT'D)

Where are you, Grandad? Mummy says that you're near me. Why are you hiding from me? I thought we were friends! Grandad!

Daniel continues CALLING for his grandfather, each appeal becoming more tearful than the last.

INT. KITCHEN/ DINING ROOM - DAY

April is pouring tea into a cup. 

Lee is sat at the table reading the morning paper, munching on toast.

Rubbing his eyes, Daniel enters dragging his plush rabbit toy by the ear and sits next to Lee.

LEE

Ah, good morning, champ! How are you this morning?

Daniel does not answer, he just nods and grunts.

He picks up a piece of toast from the rack, begins eating it and rubs his eyes at regular intervals.

APRIL

Now Daniel, when your father asks you a question, you answ...

April turns around and looks at her son. He is drawn under the eyes lids; his eye balls are almost pink and are filled with rheum.

APRIL (CONT'D)

Oh my God, Daniel, you're a mess!

April approaches and kneels down next to him, looking into his eyes.

APRIL (cont'd)

(Rubbing the rheum from Daniel's eyes) 

You look exhausted. Did you sleep last night?

DANIEL

No.

APRIL

Aww, did you have a nightmare?

DANIEL

(Yawns)

I couldn't sleep.

Daniel continues to eat his toast. After a few seconds of silence, Daniel speaks again.

DANIEL (CONT'D)

So, where has Grandad really gone? I tried looking for him last night but he was hiding.

April and Lee look at each other. Lee, looking saddened, signals to April but April frowns and shakes her head violently.

She turns back to Daniel and puts her hands on his shoulders.

APRIL

Erm... You shouldn't look for your grandfather.

DANIEL

Why not?

APRIL

Well, when I said you'll see him again, I didn't mean soon.

DANIEL

But you said --

APRIL

I know what I said!

Daniel recoils. April smiles and caresses Daniel's shoulders.

APRIL (CONT'D)

(Calm)

I said that Grandad will be away for a while.

DANIEL

Why did he go away, then?

APRIL

You'll find out, one day.

Daniel pounds his fist on the table.

DANIEL

But I want to know now!

April smacks his leg.

APRIL

Stop that! Go upstairs and get washed and dressed, now!

His head bowed, Daniel leaves the kitchen, his rabbit toy in hand.

INT. HALLWAY STAIRS - DAY

A modest hallway decorated in mauve and maroons.

Adjacent to the kitchen is a flight of stairs.

Daniel leaves the kitchen with tears in his eyes.

He begins to alight the stairs.

He stops halfway when he hears voices.

LEE (O.S)

You shouldn't have hit him, he was only wondering where his grandfather was.

APRIL (O.S)

May be I was a bit harsh, but it was for his own good.

LEE (O.S)

I think this has gone on for long enough. We should tell Daniel the truth.

After hearing his name, Daniel puts his head through the banister to have a better listen.

APRIL (O.S)

But we have told him the truth.

LEE (O.S)

Oh, come on, April!

APRIL (O.S)

Daddy has gone on a journey.

LEE (O.S)

I'm sorry that you've lost your father, I really am, but I think you're lying to yourself, too.

Daniel moves his head closer.

A sound of a slap.

APRIL (O.S)

Bullshit!

LEE (O.S)

Your father's dead, April! He's never coming back. You've been lying to that child so you can keep him alive in your head! Face the truth!

  

Daniel, his lower lip QUIVERING and his tired eyes STREAMING, removes his head from the bannister.

As his parents continue to argue, he CUDDLES his rabbit toy.

He then puts his head in his hands and begins to sob.

EXT. RIVERSIDE - NIGHT

Daniel, again CUDDLING his rabbit toy, is sitting on the edge of the water, looking into it.

There is no light around, save for the BUZZING and FLICKERING of a defective lamp post.

The night is so dark that he cannot see his reflection except for the instances where the lamp FLASHES, giving him a glimpse of his unkempt self; he has MESSY, GREASY hair, his eyes are PINK, his nose is RUNNING and his face is RED RAW.

The lamp flashes again but this time, there is no reflection.

EXT. RIVER - DAY

Daniel's fluffy rabbit toy FLOATS on the surface of the river, moving downstream.

The rabbit is dirty and has flies attracted to it.

The writing on the tag has now FADED and the tag itself has gone LIMP.

The rabbit STOPS when it reaches some bulrushes.

FADE OUT.

THE END.         

The Shadow's Shadow

This was the final creative piece I submitted at university.

'Your name is Jonathan Wheeler, you're thirty-three, you're married and you work as an administrator at the local university.' Dr. Wallace read the file of his patient aloud as he sat opposite him. He had shaggy, unkempt hair that skirted the shoulders of his three pound suit, leaving a small mound of dandruff that was as clear as chalk on a blackboard. His tie was undone as if he was wearing it not as a tie, but as a medallion. He looked like he had not shaved for a month as a messy beard grew out of his chin wildly. His most distinguishing features however were the huge bags under his eyes.

'That's right. I'm only working there temporarily because I want to be a full-time writer. A stupid idea, I know, but everyone has to have a dream, right?'

'Of course. So, Mr. Wheeler, what can I do for you?' Dr. Wallace took out his notebook and pen and looked directly at Wheeler.

'No, I don't think I can do this.' Wheeler rose from his chair and headed towards the door. He stopped when the doctor called after him.

'Why did you come to see me then?'

'For a start, I don't think you'll believe me and I need you to or else I'll end up in a straitjacket.'

'Not necessarily. Your story may be a common one.'

'Oh, it isn't.'

Dr. Wallace signalled with his hand. 'Mr. Wheeler, far be it from me to make a snap judgement in light of us only having a minute's acquaintanceship, but you seem to want to get something off your chest. May be you need someone impartial to discuss this with and if so, I'm your man. Besides, if you didn't wish to talk about it, why did you come in the first place?'

'To borrow your terms, it was a “snap decision.” I always feel so useless asking for help.'

'Everyone needs help sometimes, even we humble psychiatrists. Of course I can't force you to confess your worries, but remember patient and doctor confidentiality; nothing will leave this room.'

Wheeler sighed and sunk back into the green leather bound armchair opposite the doctor as if he wanted to be swallowed by it. 'I might as well, I've nothing better to do.'

'Good. Now please, tell me what's on your mind.'

Wheeler leaned forward towards Wallace and lowered his voice as if he was concerned about an eavesdropper. 'Before I begin, I want to stress that although I want to be a writer, I am not a fanciful person. I keep the wild ideas to fiction. I don't exactly revel in the same insanity in real life.'

'Insanity?'

Wheeler laughed. ' I guess that's a dirty word to say in a psychiatrist's office, huh?'

Dr. Wallace smiled. 'Relax. I may be a psychiatrist, but I am still human. Forget about insane asylums, men in lab coats and other ideas that come with the stigma of my profession and just talk to me, man to man, about your problem.'

'Well I keep seeing this thing, a figure.'

Dr. Wallace began to take notes. 'A figure? Could you elaborate?'

'It's hard to describe. The thing that haunts me is as undefined as a stick man. It appears to be relatively humanoid but everything is off about it.'

'Off?'

'Yeah. Its bald head is too round, its arms are too long, its legs are too thin and its shoulders are too broad. It is always cloaked in shadow as if it were a living silhouette independent of a source. I look at it from different angles, yet my perception of it never changes.'

'What do you mean exactly?'

'Take last Monday for example. I was at the shopping centre buying a birthday gift for my wife. In the process I had to walk over a bridge on the first floor that connected the mall to the car park...'

'Yes, I know it.'

'Yeah. Well, as you know, it overlooks the plaza where the smokers converge. It was rather cold so I rushed to go back indoors but then I saw it. This was the truly weird thing though, Doc, because the figure wasn't in front of me or behind me; in fact, it wasn't even on the same level as me, it was right down there in the plaza. Now when we see someone from above, we may see a bird's eye view or a skewed angle of them depending on our position, but with the figure I could see it as if it were in front of me. It stood there dead straight. It was not physically possible for the figure to appear to me at that angle from the height I was.'

Wallace was taking notes. He raised his head at the silence and said: 'Carry on, Mr. Wheeler, I am listening.'

'I withdrew into the mall and it was there again as if it had teleported.'

'What then?'

'I just carried on with my shopping, but my head was always looking over my shoulder.'

'I admire your bravery.'

'Yeah, you expect me to be scared of it but this is the main point of my problem. It's not fright, not any more. It's annoyance. I just want that thing out of my life.'

Wheeler got up out of the chair and started pacing around the office. There was little room, so he settled with walking around in a circle. 'Quite a premise, huh?'

'When did you first see this figure of yours? It might help in finding out its purpose.'

Wheeler stopped pacing and stood still. He looked straight into Wallace's eyes. 'I wish I could remember. I know intellectually that it's been a few years and yet I can't fight the feeling that it has always been there with me.'

'How does that work?'

'I have clues that it was recent. For example, I know for a fact that I was an adult when I first encountered the figure, but at the same time my heart is telling me that it must have been with me since birth but I never noticed it.'

'You seem to notice new things through adult eyes,' Wallace suggested.

'It seems that way. In my childlike state I must have seen the figure as wishful thinking; an imaginary friend come to light, perhaps. As a child any thing's possible, it's only when you're an adult that you criticise life and realise that fairytales are just fairytales. Beyond this theory though, I can't remember if the figure was actually there during my childhood and I realised it was there as an adult or whether it appeared recently.'

'So let us say that this figure's been with you for a while, it must have tried to approach you.'

'Believe it or not it hasn't. When it appears it always maintains the same range of distance from me from ten yards to, around I would say, fifty yards. It looks like it's observing me.'

'Well, have you tried to approach it?'

'That's almost a silly question. I've tried every time but it's useless. It's like trying to chase after the sun on the horizon. No matter how fast I run, it is always the same distance away from me but it doesn't seem to move. I yell after it but it never responds.'

'How would you say it does move, then?'

'I don't know, it's hard to explain.' Wheeler sat back down in his chair and placed his chin between his thumb and forefinger. 'Sometimes, as I said earlier, it seems to teleport from one place to the other, but on different occasions it recedes into the background like someone's shadow.'

'May be it is your shadow.'

Wheeler laughed. 'Oh Doctor, do you think I'm so foolish? I'm not the sharpest knife in the drawer but I know what I see and it is not my shadow.'

'I'm sorry, Mr. Wheeler, but in the process of unravelling your mystery we have to eliminate every possible explanation, even the obvious ones.' Wheeler nodded, took a deep sigh and relaxed in the chair which made an audible creak.

The two had sat in silence for a considerable amount of time. Wallace was fiddling with his pen while reading his notes while Wheeler stared at the ornaments that adorned Wallace's office. Something in particular had caught his eye: a jade Buddha statue. Wheeler chuckled, 'You a religious man, Doc?'

'Hm?' Wheeler pointed at the statue and Wallace followed his finger point. 'Oh! Not really, no. I just have that as decoration.'

'It looks peaceful,' said Wheeler.

'I'd imagine it would.'

'I'd love to be a statue,' said Wheeler, breaking the awkward silence.

'Really?'

'Yeah, sounds weird I know, but I could just sit on a shelf and relax and observe. I wouldn't care if I were forgotten and I was collecting dust because I'd be in peace.'

'Yeah... Forgive me if I sound harsh here, Mr. Wheeler, but if this figure doesn't approach or harm you, why are you here? You could simply ignore it,' said Wallace fetching the statue down from the shelf and giving it to Wheeler, 'or, you could model yourself on our little friend here. Relax, meditate and put it out of your mind.'

Wheeler smiled and examined the figurine, 'I guess my story has fascinated you, huh?'

'Every story my clients tell me intrigues me, but yours is one of the oddest I've heard.'

'So you believe me, then?' Wheeler asked.

Wallace looked away from Wheeler. 'Truthfully? I'm not sure yet. It may yet still be a bad dream.'

Wheeler scoffed and put the figurine on the table, 'I knew you wouldn't commit that easily. That isn't the most of my worries though. If the figure just affected my perspective on life I wouldn't be here because I'd phase it out as you suggest, but it's destroying my relationship too.'

'How so? Does Mrs. Wheeler see it?'

'I wish she did so we could talk about it.' Wheeler looked around as if he were confessing to a pastor. 'Claire and I haven't made love for as long as I can remember because it was always there, night after night.'

'What, in your bedroom?'

'Yes! You have no idea how unnerving it is having that thing stand at the foot of your bed. How do porn stars cope with having people watch and film them?'

Wallace chuckled, 'I'm sorry, I didn't mean to laugh. So its presence affects your performance?'

'Well wouldn't it yours?'

'Erm...'

'Doctor, you seem like a man of the world so I'll spare you the embarrassment of telling you every sordid detail but I used to sleep with my wife.'

'Used to?'

'That's right. Claire was getting tired of my complaining so she threw me out of the bed and I haven't been back in there since. She thinks I'm having an affair or, worse, she thinks I'm impotent.'

'I'm sorry.'

'She hardly speaks to me now. We weren't exactly a model couple to begin with, so this nonsense has put us on the edge.'

'Haven't you tried to discuss this with her?'

'Of course but she never listens. It's gotten so bad she's locked me out of our bedroom, so I sleep in the spare room now. As you can imagine it's small with just the bare essentials in it but it suits me down to the ground. Any thing's better than hearing Claire's nagging. The reason I tell you this is not for sympathy but because, as you can guess, the figure still haunts me in there. A lot of the time the figure doesn't seem to be in the room with me.'

'How is it affecting you then?'

'The bed is underneath the window and the window is protected from the night by some Venetian blinds. The street lamps behind it obviously illuminate the window so it is never truly dark in there. It's not ideal being underneath this dim light, however you become accustomed to it.'

'Granted.'

'Any way, after a week's peaceful sleep where nothing untoward happened, I went to bed the following Sunday. I wasn't too tired so I decided to write a little. After a while my page became dark and I became shaded by some sort of darkness. I thought that may be the street lights had short circuited so I thought nothing of it at first. Eventually, a small light managed to break through the darkness so I could finally see what its source was: a huge shadow which extended from the window onto my wall and when I say “huge”, I mean it. Its head was as round as a football while the monolith of the body was latched onto it. It was the first time in a very long while that I was scared of it.'

'Hmm, I can imagine. Surely this can't be the same figure though. You yourself had said that the figure seemed like the size of a regular human, not a giant.'

'It was a shadow, therefore the figure was probably a few yards away and its shadow was stretched on my wall. I'm no scientist, but that'd be my guess, any way.'

Wallace frowned and nodded. 'Oh, I see. Does it ever come into the room?'

'Not to my knowledge but it's the expectation of it that afflicts me. I can't count the sleepless nights I've had, eyes closed but conscious, aware of its presence. I try to forget about it but the clock always seems to tick louder and more regular as if the ticks were running away from the tocks. Then the ensuing silence sounds as deafening as a pneumatic drill.'

'You do look rather tired.'

Wheeler pointed to his eyes as if he wanted to stab them with his index fingers. 'Tired? Look at these! Bags so big I could hide a body in them!' Wheeler put his finger in the corner of his eye and scooped out flakes of rheum that dyed the tip of his index finger green. He put his finger in the air for Wallace to see.'This tired enough, Doc?'

Wallace flinched. 'I see your point, Mr. Wheeler.'

Wheeler wiped his finger on his trousers leaving a trail of green refuse. Wallace squirmed at the sight and looked at Wheeler. Wallace continued, 'So this is why you've come to see me?'

Wheeler took off his tie and mopped his sweaty forehead. He then pocketed it and undid his top button, 'Hot in here, isn't it?'

'Open the window if you like.'

Wheeler opened the blinds and his slanted eyes became full. His mouth was open like a yawing hippopotamus; his jaw shivered, drenching his suit in dribble. 'It's here! Right in front of me!'

'What?!' Wheeler signalled to Wallace and beckoned to him to join him at the window.

'It's there, can't you see?'

Wallace was temporarily blinded by sunlight. He squinted. 'No, I just see the street.'

'But, it's the other side of the window pane, you can't even see the street as he blocks the view!'

'You said it always kept its distance from you!'

'It did but now it's here, right in front of my face!' Wheeler opened the window and bellowed: 'Hey, you! You have been hounding me for too long now! What are you and what do you want from me?' The shoppers below looked up at Wheeler and started gossiping amongst themselves. Wheeler stood on the pane. 'Answer me!'

'Now, Wheeler!' Wallace tried to restrain Wheeler but Wheeler shook free.

'Nothing to say? You've ruined my life! My wife hates me, my mental state is crumbling and I have to see a quack! Well, I'm going to kill you, I don't care what happens to me, I just want you out of the remains of my life!' With tears in his eyes and a trembling body he outstretched his arms and pounced. Wallace had been trying to grab Wheeler's legs but he was gone.

Ranking the Nineteen Black Sabbath Albums

Since Black Sabbath's inception circa 1968, they have released nineteen distinct albums. Here, I have the uneviable task of ranking them from the worst to the best. Remember, this is my opinion, so don't be pissed off if I rank one album higher than the other; it's all subjective. I'm not including The Devil you Know (2009) because it's not an official Sabbath album. I will also name a couple of songs I recommend for each album if you are new to Sabbath, so here we go.

19. Forbidden (1995)

Sabbath's eighteenth album is a clusterfuck. Produced by Ernie C. and guesting Ice-T, yes, Ice-fucking-T in the song 'Illusion of Power', this is about as un-Sabbath you can get. I find it hard to believe that Black Sabbath, the most influential rock/ metal band of all time would resort to using a shitty '90s rap singer to promote an album of theirs. May be they were influenced by Korn whose self-titled debut infected metal a year earlier? Regardless, the other songs are bland and generic and the shitty mixing does not endear the songs to the listener. The only songs from this album I enjoy are 'Shaking Off the Chains' and 'Kiss of Death'. Hell, 'The Illusion of Power' is not bad, that is until Ice-T raps in the middle of it and totally ruins it. Like every one of Tony Martin's Black Sabbath albums barring The Eternal Idol, the album's out of print, difficult to find and expensive to purchase, so thankfully no one's going to listen to this album unless they're a hardcore Sabbath fan trying to find it; indeed, a Sabbath virgin would go for Paranoid or Black Sabbath and leave this piece of shit by the wayside.
Recommended: 'Shaking off the Chains', 'Kiss of Death'.

18. Seventh Star (1986)

Sabbath's twelfth album isn't really a Black Sabbath album, it's more of an Iommi solo album since he was the sole remaining member of the original line-up. Due to pressures from the record label, the album is technically an album by Black Sabbath Featuring Tony Iommi, which is in itself a tautology because Iommi IS Black Sabbath; so unlike Forbidden, one can be forgiving for this album not sounding like Sabbath. The songs are okay, but they're so okay that they're futile; they're not laughably bad like Forbidden but they are no where near as good as the Ozzy or Dio era songs. Glenn Hughes does a good job at vocals in his sole Sabbath appearance however.
Recommended: 'In for the Kill', 'Heart like a Wheel'.

17. Tyr (1990)

I've never much understood Sabbath's fifteenth. It's a good album, but like Seventh Star and Forbidden, it doesn't sound like Sabbath. This time however, it's not the sound, it's the lyrical content. As Sabbath is seen as a vanguard for doom metal, it's odd to hear them sing about Norse mythology, the domain of power metal. May be I need to listen to the album more, but it does little for me. At least it's not terrible like Forbidden and unlike that album, Tony Martin sounds energised here.
Recommended: 'The Sabbath Stones', 'Heaven in Black'.

16. The Eternal Idol (1987)

Now we're getting somewhere. Sabbath's thirteenth album (not 13 which some might think), the first to feature Tony Martin on vocals, is a great album. With such enpowering songs as 'The Shining' and 'Ancient Warrior', Sabbath sound envigorated again after Seventh Star. Unfortunately, there's not much to say about it because it's not a bad album nor is it a classic.
Recommended: 'The Shining', 'Ancient Warrior'. 

15. Headless Cross (1989)

One of Sabbath's darker albums, their fourteenth is Gothic, moody and atmospheric. The ignorant press who blast '70s Sabbath for dabbling in the occult, when, in reality, it was only really their debut that explored this, would have a heart attack after listening to Headless Cross, since songs about Satan are the norm. Like The Eternal Idol, there's not much to say; it's a solid workman-like album that neither does too much or too little.
Recommended: 'When Death Calls', 'Nightwing'.

14. Technical Ecstasy (1976)

Sabbath's seventh is undeniably their worst album with Ozzy Osbourne on vocals. After the experimentation from their doom and gloomy sound in Sabbath Bloody Sabbath and Sabotage paid off in spades and allowed each member to evolve, Technical Ecstasy signalled an obsession with digressions and thus devolution; the band were suffering from burn-out and this shows in the lack of trademark Iommi riffs. Sure, they are there, but no where near as abundant as their first six albums. I do recommend this album though because it has its fans; it is reputably Axel Rose's favourite Sabbath album and he has covered Bill Ward-fronted 'It's Alright' on tour. It also has one of my favourite Sabbath album art works.
Recommended: 'You Won't Change Me', 'Gypsy'.

13. Born Again (1983)

The eleventh album is underrated, even hated and deemed worse than Forbidden in some circles, but I happen to love it and consider it a worthy entry in Sabbath's discography. Hiring Deep Purple's Ian Gillan on vocals, Sabbath go all out in what is considered one of their heaviest albums. This is due to the shitty mix, however unlike Forbidden's which is flat, uninvolved and boring, the rawness of Born Again makes it even heavier. Songs like 'Zero the Hero' have typical Sabbathian riffs and considering that Seventh Star followed Born Again, it's welcome. It's a bittersweet album too because it marks the final studio Sabbath album in which original drummer Bill Ward played in, sadly his drums are totally buried in the mix.
Recommended: 'Zero the Hero', 'Disturbing the Priest', 'Trashed'.

12. 13 (2013)

Apart from its shitty, generic title (I mean Megadeth and Suicidal Tendancies have done the 13 shit to death; this just reeks of Ozzy) and headache inducing album art, Sabbath's nineteenth album; their final reunion with Osbourne, was a success. It's an album for the fans as songs like 'The End of the Beginning' ('Black Sabbath'), 'Loner' ('Air Dance'), Zeitgeist ('Planet Caravan') and 'Damaged Soul' ('Warning') harken back to the band's glory days by emulating older songs. Sabbath also point in a new direction with 'Live Forever' and 'Dear Father' which is a fucking masterpiece. Osbourne sounds good on this album and the partnership of Iommi and Butler is as fruitful as ever. The dynamic is brought down by the absence of Bill Ward though. Stand-in Brad Wilk's drumming is adequate, but that's about it. It's not exciting or as bluesy as Ward, it is dull and predictable. If Ward drummed on this album, and Rick Rubin didn't botch up the mixing by making it too loud, it'd be higher on this list, but as it is, 13 is a well done, but flawed album. If it's their last album, at least Black Sabbath ended on a good note, unlike if Forbidden would have remained their last.
Recommended: 'Dear Father', 'Loner', 'Damaged Soul'.

11. Dehumanizer (1992)

Sabbath's sixteenth album was a short-lived reunion with Dio and what a reunion it was. Unlike Heaven and Hell and Mob Rules, Dehumanizer is a dark and doomy album. Not saying the former two albums were light, but Dio sounded majestic on those; here he sounds gruff and angry and that gives the album a totally different flair. It was a very contemporary album, commenting on humanity's blossoming reliance on technology.
Recommended: 'After All (The Dead)', 'Computer Crimes', 'I'.

10. Never Say Die! (1978)

Sabbath's eighth and final album with Osbourne until 13 and final album with the original line-up period is hated by many people and it is usually put with Technical Ecstasy as the nadir of '70s Sabbath. I'd go that far with Technical Ecstasy, but not with Never Say Die! because Never Say Die! has one of my top ten favourite Sabbath songs, 'Air Dance' which is a beautiful, jazzy song about failed ambitions. The band must have liked it so much because they ripped off the riff with 13's 'Loner'. The title track is no slough either: it is energetic and has that sing-along quality that makes it so enjoyable to listen. In fact, the entire first half of Never Say Die! is not that bad; its quality only deteriorates on the second half with shit like 'Breakdown' and 'Swinging the Chain'. So to summarise, I recommend half of Never Say Die!; the other half is just generic hard rock.
Recommended: 'AIR DANCE', 'Never Say Die', 'Johnny Blade'.

9. Cross Purposes (1994)

Holy shit, Sabbath's seventeenth album is an underrated masterpiece. By far the best Sabbath album with Tony Martin behind the microphone, Cross Purposes is a diverse album with a diverse selection of topics: from paedophille priests to cult leaders to the nurse who killed children in her hospital in 1991, Beverley Allit, Cross Purposes, like Dehumanizer, was a mirror for society when it was released. Sadly, it is out of print and is difficult to get. Also, dismiss the shitty, grunge inspired 'Virtual Death', it's not Sabbath. Unlike the following album, Forbidden, this one is totally worth picking up; it was a pleasant surprise to me when I first heard it as I expected it be as bad as that, but thankfully I couldn't have been more wrong.
Recommended: 'I Witness', 'Psychophobia', 'The Hand that Rocks the Cradle'.

8. Black Sabbath Vol. 4 (1972)


I'm probably going to get some flack for putting this one so far below on my list, but the truth is, I've never really cared much for Vol. 4; it's by far my least favourite of Sabbath's first six and I've never truly understood why. The songs have never gripped me as much as the ones on its surrounding albums: 'Snowblind' is not the classic I hear that everyone claims it is; a good song, sure, but a classic? No. It also has shit like 'FX' (by far the worst 'song' of the original Sabbath line-up) and 'Changes' which really marrs my enjoyment of the album. That said, the songs on here I like, I LOVE. 'Wheels of Confusion/ The Straightener' and 'Under the Sun/ Every Day Comes and Goes', the latter of which Sabbath played live when I saw them to my surprise, are phenomenal; they're far more progressive than songs from their first three albums, yet they retain that proto-doom metal sound that so enthrals me. Vol. 4 is therefore inconsistent: it has such high peaks, yet so low plunges.
Recommended: 'Wheels of Confusion/ The Straightener', 'Under the Sun/ Every Day Comes and Goes', 'Laguna Sunrise'.

7. Heaven and Hell (1980)

After the debacle of Never Say Die! and the subsequent firing of Osbourne, Black Sabbath present their ninth album, complete with new vocalist Ronnie James Dio, with renewed passion and vigour. Unlike the earlier albums in which Geezer Butler wrote most of the lyrics, Dio is the writer here and his passion for rainbows, evil women and fantasy freshen up Sabbath's approach. There are so many fantastic songs on here, every one, with the possible exception of the out of place 'Walk Away', show the band reborn, living a second life with aplomb. Dio's vocals are soaring and beautiful, but at the same time, harsh and sarcastic; they cover an extensive range of sounds. From the fast and heavy 'Neon Knights' to the 'morose and sorrowful 'Children of the Sea' and 'Lonely is the Word', Dio injects much needed energy into Sabbath at that time.
Recommended: 'Children of the Sea', 'Heaven and Hell', 'Die Young'.

6. Mob Rules (1981)

As much as I love Heaven and Hell, I have to go with Sabbath's tenth album, Mob Rules as my favourite Dio-fronted Sabbath album because it is an evolution of the sound from its predecessor. Granted, some songs such as 'Turn Up the Night' ('Neon Knights') are obsolete because there are better versions on Heaven and Hell, but overall, this album is more satisifying. 'The Sign of the Southern Cross' is my favourite Black Sabbath song without Osbourne and songs like 'Falling off of the Edge of the World' and 'Country Girl' are not far behind either. Hell, even the filler instrumental, 'E5150' (which means 'Evil' if you translate the numbers into Roman numerals) is a capitivating listen that does sound throughly evil. From the straight rockers like 'The Mob Rules', to the bluesy 'Over and Over', to the reflective 'Falling off the Edge of the World', Mob Rules has everything.
Recommended: 'The Sign of the Southern Cross', 'Falling off the Edge of the World', 'Country Girl'.

5. Sabbath Bloody Sabbath (1973)

After some experimentation with their signature sound in Vol. 4, Black Sabbath go all out on their fifth album, Sabbath Bloody Sabbath. Definitely their most progressive album, Sabbath took a risk with this one and, unlike the later Technical Ecstasy, it paid off. From the almost beautiful sounding title track to the progressive closer 'Spiral Architect', Sabbath take the listener on a journey. 'Fluff' is an evolution of 'Laguna Sunrise' from the previous album and, with 'Air Dance', one of the most beautiful Sabbath songs; it even played at Tony Iommi's wedding. 'Sababra Cadabra' is similar to Zeppelin; a rock and roll song about loving a woman 'every night and day' with a signature Iommi riff highlighting the point. The synthesised 'Who are You?' is a misstep though, sounding like something from Technical Ecstasy or Never Say Die!. It's probably the least Sabbath sounding song on their first six. Overall, however, Sabbath Bloody Sabbath's other seven songs more than compensate and it all accounts to one of Sabbath's most interesting records. I just wish they'd have played at least one of these songs live, but the process would probably shred what remains of Osbourne's voicebox.
Recommended: 'Sabbath Bloody Sabbath', 'Sababra Cadabra', 'Spiral Architect'.

4. Paranoid (1970)

The second album is definitely their most famous. To be fair, the triade of 'War Pigs', 'Paranoid' and 'Iron Man' are good songs, but they are easily the dullest parts of the album because they've been heard so many fucking times. I don't even like 'Iron Man' that much; why that song is singled out and not 'Electric Funeral' boggles my small, little mind. When it comes to 'War Pigs', I much prefer the demo version, 'Walpurgis' which was about Satan, although I guess lyrically, it would have fitted on Black Sabbath but not Paranoid. 'Paranoid' is over played and is Zeppelin's 'Communication Breakdown'. 'Planet Caravan', on the other hand, is a masterpiece. It's such a relaxing, soothing song that it takes me to another world. 'Electric Funeral' is the real fucking deal though. This song alone got me into Black Sabbath. That riff is the best Iommi riff barring the 'Black Sabbath' song; it is so destructive! 'Hand of Doom' is another underrated masterpiece too as it has my favourite drumming by Bill Ward and more menancing riffs by Mr. Iommi. The albums ends with the karoke-inducing 'Fairies Wear Boots.' When my girlfriend and I went to see Black Sabbath live in December 2013, someone put this on when we were on the train and everyone sang to it. Overall, I see Paranoid as the opposite of Never Say Die!, ignore the first half except for 'Planet Caravan' and listen to the perfect second half. You won't regret it when 'Electric Funeral''s riff takes over 'Iron Man''s in your head. Probably the best Black Sabbath album to start with.
Recommended: 'ELECTRIC FUNERAL', 'HAND OF DOOM', 'Planet Caravan', 'Fairies Wear Boots'.

3. Sabotage (1975)

Ignore the laughable album cover because Sabbath's sixth album is the real deal. Not satisified with the arguably more laid-back approach of Sabbath Bloody Sabbath, the band wanted to make another rock album. As it is, Sabotage is a perfect mix of the heaviness of their first four albums and the progressive fifth album. 'Hole in the Sky' is a great album opener, setting the mood of the piece, while 'Symptom of the Universe' fucking destroys. Arguably the very first thrash song, 'Symptom of the Universe' is like the evil brother of 'Planet Caravan'. While the Paranoid song is content with being relaxed in exploring the universe, 'Symptom' crashes through the universe at full speed. Ironically, however, my favourite part of the song is the mellow acoustic final two minutes that resulted from the band jamming. When I said earlier that Sabbath Bloody Sabbath is the band's most progressive, I lied because 'Meglomania' winds and turns through different tempos and time signatures. Clocking in at nine minutes, it's the band's longest song (barring the jamming on 'Warning') and they make good use of the time; as Bill Ward said later, there are always new things you discover when you listen to the song, it's a behemoth. 'Supertzar' is my favourite Sabbath instrumental because the choirs combined with a brave riff by Iommi give off an 'epic' vibe (I know, I hate the word too). It all culminates in the final song, 'The Writ' which explores the band's then legal troubles and Osbourne's anger at those stuffed shirts. Speaking of Ozzy, Sabotage is his best vocal performance; you can hear him destroying his voicebox during 'Megalomania'. To cut a long story short, Sabotage is a masterpiece and it makes the shitty follow-up Technical Ecstasy all the more tragic. Essential.
Recommended: 'SYMPTOM OF THE UNIVERSE', 'MEGALOMANIA', 'Supertzar', 'The Writ'.

2. Master of Reality (1971)

By far the heaviest Black Sabbath album, their third is influential and devastating. The opener, 'Sweet Leaf', is a  continuation of Paranoid's closer, 'Fairies Wear Boots', and this is where you can compare the two albums. The tone of the guitar on Paranoid was straining Iommi's fingers, so he down tuned it for Master of Reality and Geezer followed suite and made the sound that would inspire doom metal, sludge metal and stoner metal. 'Sweet Leaf' celebrates weed and the album starts as it means to go on with Iommi choking on a joint. 'After Forever' is one of my favourite songs on here which I find funny as it is a Christian rock song and I'm a staunch atheist. The riff and the lyrics are extremely well done, so much so, I can look past the preaching and simply enjoy the music. 'Children of the Grave' is the 'Iron Man' of Master of Reality, however unlike 'Iron Man', I love 'Children of the Grave'. 'Lord of this World' is another favourite of mine, while 'Solitude' is another underrated gem. While many people thought that Bill Ward sang the lyrics for this one like he would later do in 'It's Alright' and 'Swinging the Chain', it is actually Osbourne displaying an air of sensitivity and vunerability seldom seen in his work. The final song, 'Into the Void' fucking slays. The riff is the typical doom metal riff done ten-fifteen years before the likes of Witchfinder General, Trouble, Saint Vitus and Candlemass; it's Master of Reality's 'Electric Funeral' as it depicts nuclear destruction in the same devastating way. The only problem I have with Master of Reality is its short length. At thirty-four minutes, I think it's Sabbath's shortest ever album; it's certainly the shortest of the Ozzy years. The instrumentals are nice, but if they were full length songs, Master of Reality would be my favourite. Speaking of which...
Recommended: 'Children of the Grave', 'Lord of this World', 'Solitude', 'Into the Void'.

1. Black Sabbath (1970)

I'm sorry but to this day, Black Sabbath's self-titled debut album is still my favourite. This does not reflect on their later albums in any way, but their first album has the band at their best, their most humble, their most invested. Free from the meddling influence of producers in later albums, Black Sabbath were free to do the music they wanted to do (save for the two covers which I'll mention later) by making scary music. After falling in love with the Paranoid album and 'Electric Funeral', I went back and got the debut which fully converted me into a Sabbath fanatic, mainly due to the self-titled song. 'Black Sabbath' is tied with another song from this album as my favourite song. Forty-four years on and the song is still scary; propelled by Iommi and Butler's riff, Ward's apocalyptic drumming and Ozzy's anguish-laded vocals, the band nail the stifiling atmosphere of Satan invading the earth. This song alone set the blueprint for my favourite subgenre of music, doom metal, and while the genre has bred some amazing songs, the best of which being 'Solitude' by Candlemass in my humble opinion, none come close to 'Black Sabbath'. It is the one metal song I will never tire of. 'The Wizard' follows and it is an oddity in the Sabbath catalogue as it sees Osbourne playing a harmonica. An allegory about their drug-dealer, 'The Wizard' is one of the first songs ever written about The Lord of the Rings. 'Behind the Wall of Sleep' is another terrifying song. Osbourne's vocals are double-tracked giving him an air of authority similiar to the Orwellian Big Brother lording over the dead. 'N.I.B.' is that song tied with the self-titled as my favourite Sabbath song. The bluesy riff and the story of Lucifer falling in love are an interesting inversion; Sabbath aren't the Satanists their detractors claim. It is also another Sabbath song that owes itself for having a sing-along vibe to it, making it catchy as hell. The song is perfect. 'Evil Woman' is the weakest on the album, but what do you expect? It's a cover of a song they didn't want to do. I don't mind it though, I think it's got a good riff to it and Iommi's heavy guitar tone make the song Sabbath's own. 'Sleeping Village', on the other hand, is an underrated masterpiece. At just fifty-three seconds, Sabbath immediately set the mood of a quiet village, however one can infer that there is something wrong with the village. It blends into 'Warning', another cover but this is undeniably Sabbath's own now. The original song was four minutes, yet Sabbath's is ten and a half minutes, highlighting the fact that Sabbath were a jam band; they wrote most of their songs by just playing and this improvisation can be seen in Iommi's guitar riffs. Finally, 'Wicked World', originally only on the American version replacing 'Evil Woman', is probably the most bluesy and I think that it was also the very first Black Sabbath song. It shows Ozzy at probably his most angry outside of 'The Writ', in which he blames the government for poverty. A great song. Osbourne's vocals are unique for this album. Unlike Paranoid and later albums where Osbourne sings from the nose, on Black Sabbath he sings from the throat, sounding like a tired blues artist singing at a railway station. He also sounds older on this album. I mean both of these remarks as compliments because they set the bluesy tone of the entire album. Save for occasional songs later on, Sabbath abandon the blues for Paranoid going into full metal, but Black Sabbath set the foundations.
Recommended: 'BLACK SABBATH', 'N.I.B.', 'The Wizard', 'Behind the Wall of Sleep', 'Sleeping Village'/ 'Warning'. 
        

'The New You' group notes.

Much like how Darko Suvin argued that an important aspect of the SF text is the use of estrangement and cognition; the act of distancing the reader from a familiar concept and representing it as new in order to allow for the reader to question and evaluate said concept; the title of the short story, 'The New You' (1962) estranges the reader with its use of the second-person pronoun, 'You'. Immediately, the writer, Kit Reed, highlights the fact that a major theme of the story is the identity. The word 'New' implies dissatisfaction with the old and, ultimately, replacement of the old. With the combination of these two words, Reed estranges the reader's relationship with their self because Reed has presented an alternative in that the self can be replaced; the reader's identity was perhaps something they took for granted and the story will make the reader question their relationship with their identity and allow them to ponder how their life would change if they could replace their selves. Finally, Reed's use of the definite article 'The' suggests finality and authenticity; the new self was the one and only choice and therefore will be difficult to get rid of. If the story used the indefinite article 'a', it would suggest a variety of choices, and the suggestion that the protagonist could in turn reject the replacements.

Despite being a New Wave SF text, 'The New You' could also be read to address the social effects of the Cold War. The use of the double could be analysed in the same way as Invasion of the Body Snatchers (1956) because while the film could be read about McCarthyism in that the doubles could represent the paranoid neighbours while the protagonist could represent the persecuted, 'The New You' could show the two sides to American Communist sympathisers during McCarthy's reign; a false, public identity constructed for the outside world in which they back 'American' activities and a genuine, private persona in which they would read Karl Marx. Therefore, Martha could be seen as the Communist because she is seen as dowdy. The more 'beautiful' and superficial Marnie could be seen as Capitalist because she places her own enjoyment over others. From a different reading the story could, however, celebrate individuality by estranging it. In the world of the story, the absurd notion of changing identity is depicted as being simple; therefore, the citizens of Reed's world can be individual by choosing their own individuality. At the same time, because the self can be replaced easily and there is little of 'natural' beauty, the concept of individuality is also cheapened in the story.

From a psychological reading, Marnie's hatred towards her double, 'the creature', and her desire to kill her invokes Freud's essay on the uncanny: 'One may want one's double dead; but the death of the double will always also be the death of oneself'. (Royle, Uncanny, 190). While neither Martha nor Marnie die in the story, Marnie dies in spirit; her double has succeeded in taking away her identity by stealing her dream man, while Marnie is stuck in a loveless marriage that will likely end in divorce.

Reed's tone is darkly comedic, exaggerating certain aspects of the double's character, as can be seen when she describes Martha as having 'a milk carton in one hand and a box of marshmallow cookies open in her lap.' The purpose of this may also echo a sentiment from Freud's essay, 'The Uncanny' (1919), Nicholas Royle argued in his book also named The Uncanny that, 'The double is funny, in the most strongly antithetical or duplicitous sense of 'funny'' (Royle, Uncanny, 190). By describing the double as a 'creature' and using the ambiguous and distant pronoun 'it' in describing her, Reed objectifies the double and makes her the grotesque object that Freud theorised a double being.

The ultimate moral of the story could be to take pride in one's own self. When Martha replaces herself for Marnie, she has rejected herself and her own identity; therefore, there is no turning back for her and, as a result of this, her life is ruined at the end when her double steals her husband's double.

Morgue Seduction

This is a short script I had to write for my Screenwriting module at university. The premise was to write a scene about seduction in an inconvenient place. Naturally, I went as low as I could go.

INT. MORGUE - NIGHT

FADE IN.

TOM (25), a student of the dead, enters with his girlfriend colleague HOLLY (25).

TOM carries a CANDLE which acts as the only source of light in the dark room; its grey walls absorbing the light.

The tables are adorned with autopsy tools, such as forceps, chisels and brushes.

The place is empty, save for some CORPSES strewn on tables covered by TARPAULINS.

TOM places the CANDLE on a table, next to a CADAVER.

Their breath can be seen as they talk.

TOM

It's quiet.

HOLLY

Are you sure about this?

TOM

Quite sure.

TOM holds HOLLY around the waist.

TOM

Besides, you've always wanted to do it in a public place. 'It's more kinky', you said.

He kisses her neck.

HOLLY

I didn't mean the morgue of all places. I mean, really! I thought we were leaving through the back entrance into the alleyway.

TOM

(Indicating a corpse)

No, I prefer it here. Besides, I don't think he minds.

HOLLY BREAKS away from TOM'S grasp.

HOLLY

Show some respect!

TOM

Showing respect is my day job.

TOM checks his watch.

TOM (CONT'D)

It is now approximately 6:02PM. We both finished work two minutes ago, so we both should be free for the night.

HOLLY, shaking her head, SHOVES TOM.

HOLLY

Showing respect is not a job, it's simple morality!

TOM smiles.

TOM

Holly, we have no morality, that's why we became undertakers; we make money off of the dead.

HOLLY

Unlike you, my job is just a job, it doesn't inform the rest of my life.

TOM

Are you sure about that? Can you happily watch television without thinking that someone's death has paid for it? We're not going to exploit death here; no, our friends will simply be scene setters.

         

TOM removes the tarpaulin by the CANDLE, revealing the CADAVER of a woman of a similar age to HOLLY.

The CADAVER has long dark hair and a pale skin tone; rigor mortis still affecting the body. It looks vampiric.

TOM grabs the dead woman's hand.

TOM (CONT'D)

Don't you find the dead erotic?

He strokes the hand of the CADAVER.

HOLLY shivers.

TOM (CONT'D)

Utterly helpless as the tides of time and progress bury them.

HOLLY walks towards the door.

TOM runs after her and stops in front of her.

TOM (CONT'D)

Okay, think of it like this. Isn't it poetical that we will create a new life here, in the place of death?

HOLLY

No, Tom, it's sick! Just like you.

TOM

Meaning?

HOLLY

I've learned more about you in these five minutes than I have in five months.

TOM raises his eyebrows.

HOLLY (CONT'D)

You're not the kind person with dark poetry that I thought you were. You're a selfish, amoral sicko who has nothing better to do than seduce people in morgues!

HOLLY again heads for the door.

HOLLY (CONT'D)

It's time I left, Tom.

TOM runs after her and grabs her arm tightly.

TOM

Stay, Holly. Please?

HOLLY

You're hurting me.

TOM lets go reluctantly.

HOLLY (CONT'D)

I'm going. Don't worry, I'm sure a few ladies here would take you up on your offer. You're not interested in me... You're interested in them!

HOLLY exits, SLAMMING the door behind her.

TOM shrugs and uses the candle to light a cigarette and smokes it in long drags, EXHALING audibly.

TOM

(Talking to the CADAVER)

Was it good for you, too?

FADE OUT.

THE END.

Why I hate the term 'anti-social behavior'.

Before I start, I want to make clear that I do not condone this behaviour. I think that I make this abundantly clear throughout this piece, but I can imagine some obtuse people would look at the writing at its face-value and not delve into its sub-text.

I fucking hate the term 'anti-social behaviour'. To me it reeks of the over-sanitised, over cautious and over sensitive discourse that infects our culture. Political correctness is a cancer and when it spreads to people who abuse the relative civility of our world, you know it's malignant. I'll expand upon this point later, but for now, let's conjugate the term 'anti-social behaviour', because at its base form, it could mean anything. In its most extreme case, the act of being social, one would assume, is to communicate to a person's fellow peers; he is an extrovert: the life and soul of the party, putting it around more than the bitches' from The Only Way is Essex vaginal draught. In a more subtle case, the act of being sociable can also apply to those with more than one brain-cell. You could be a quiet maladjusted wanker like I am, but you do have the courtesy to talk to others and lend them your ear when shit goes down for them. In essence, the human animal is a social animal. He needs company to sustain his existence, otherwise he'll die broken-hearted. Never mind the trite nonsense that people spew when they say they hate people (for the record, I'm one of those people) because that is to do with taste, not the primeval need for companionship embroidered into our being. I'm waffling now, but to summarise, the act of being social is being aware of other people and conversing with them.

Now, put away all of your preconceptions of what the term 'anti-social' means and analyse it in reference to the previous paragraph. What does 'anti-social' truly mean? It can be something as simple as ignoring someone at a party, for example. Say you're at your friend's house party and your ex-girlfriend arrives, her cheap cologne suffocating you, killing the cells in your throat from one painful popped nucleus to another. She walks up to you and says 'Hi'. You ignore her. You anti-social bastard. In mere semantics, you're now on the same page as those with anti-social orders; you have transgressed societal norms by ignoring an interlocutor, so you're anti-social. I keep using that word because I want to highlight how utterly ridiculous the term is in its common usage. There's a huge difference between ignoring someone and bricking an old woman's windows in yet the two distinct actions can be labelled as 'anti-social'. True, one is a criminal act and the other would just burn social bridges, but the point of the matter is is that these two disparate actions share a unity in that they can be called the same thing. The term 'anti-social' need not exist anyway; the act of ignoring people can be, and generally is, referred to as being rude or ignorant; while the criminal use of the term can be termed 'thuggery' because that's what it is. You and I call thse people thugs; it is only the official people, the ones who do not need to deal with them directly in their daily lives, who call them 'anti-social'.

This goes back to one of the first points I made about political correctness. Why can't the two actions have different terms? In its words, anti-social behaviour just means transgressing what is expected of one in a social situation. While this can be labelled to the criminal act, that of opposing the norms imposed by the law, it is such an understatement. Beating up an old lady is anti-social? Yes, but 'anti-social' doesn't even begin to cover it; it's thuggery or yobbery. Are people afraid of offending these crooks? Don't call them ASBOs, call them thugs because that's what they are. Calling them that will make the lifestyle of an ASBO less attractive to children. As dubious as he may seem, Frankie Boyle hit the nail on the head when he said that ASBOs and Super ASBOs will make children want them because they sound 'cool'. (To me, ASBO sounds like an STD, but that's beside the point). By calling these scum 'thugs', the police can establish a reputation as a non-nonsense organisation not content with prosecuting people under vaguely defined and erroneous terms, but in straight down the line, bullshit-free labels that restore people's confidence in them and deter the would-be criminals; you're no longer the clinical 'ASBO' but the hateful thug. Reserve the 'anti-social' tag to those who are really anti-social; the miserable twats like me who just stand there and never talk to anyone; don't dare compare me to thugs who assault innocents because they too are 'anti-social'.

May be I'm thinking much too deeply about this, but it is an issue for me because I used to be called 'anti-social' as a child because I didn't mix well with others. If I were labelled that today and someone overheard it, they'd mistakenly think that I mug single mothers, not put me in for confidence counselling. It annoys me as a law-abiding citizen that these criminals can be called such a tame term. But what do I know? Words mean nothing after all, they only comprise our language.

'Friday the 14th'- An Only Fools and Horses Episode Review (from 2013)

In terms of overall consistency, I consider Only Fools and Horses' third series to be the single greatest series of the programme rivalled only by its sixth series, however the two series have so many differences between them that it is almost impossible to compare. While series six lounged comfortably within one of the show's many peaks, series three had something to prove; it pretty much had to consolidate the programme to the masses after the slow start of the first series and the sudden interest in the second series. Fortunately, writer John Sullivan was more than able to tackle the issue in providing the fans with the best episodes, some of the most quotable of the show's jokes and one-liners as well as cementing the Trotters' hold of Peckham. The one abnormality of this collection of episodes was the third episode, 'Friday the 14^th' (1983), which shows Sullivan's first foray into experimenting with his formula. For the majority of the five, half-hour length series, Sullivan stuck to the show's main premise, that of three people trying to become millionaires eventually becoming more liberal and expansive with it as the show evolved. 'Friday the 14^th' is one of the first episodes that shies away from the established rules; the only real goal the Trotters have in this episode is to survive. Indeed, the show's concept of Del getting rich by fishing salmon from a stream by Boycie's weekend cottage in Cornwall is a MacGuffin; Sullivan wanted to portray the Trotters as fish out of water and what better way to do that than isolate them in a cabin in the middle of the woods with a crazed axe murderer trying to kill them? 'Friday the 14^th' moved from the established template, threw the Trotters out of the comfort of Nelson Mandela House, and straight into a dangerous unknown.

In spite of it being a sitcom episode, there are a lot of cinematic flourishes courtesy of Sullivan's script and Ray Butt's direction that borrow from the conventions of film noir, thriller and horror films. Sullivan takes these conventions that are deliberately clichéd, such as a thunderstorm, power outage, heavy breathing, a mysterious hand through the undergrowth and shadowy figures to create a truly suspenseful experience; I admit that during my first viewing of this episode around ten years ago, I was watching through the cracks of my fingers, my insular mind pondering whether or not the writer was going to kill off the Trotters. These ambitious ideas were aided by the location filming in Iwerne Minster, Dorset. In one of my favourite images from the entire series, the sight of an abandoned cottage amidst a heavy thunderstorm can make one forget that they are watching a comedy- until the three-wheeled van hobbles its way onto the screen like the anachronistic sight of a car in the distance of a Lord of the Rings shot and the unlikeliest of heroes emerge from it. The cottage set is also well designed making it especially claustrophobic for the climax as well as dangerous with the incessant claps of thunder and flashes of lightning in the background.

Of course, it wouldn't be an Only Fools and Horses episode without comedy and 'Friday the 14^th' has this in abundance. Ironically, one of my favourite scenes is the one where the van is stopped by a policeman who warns them of an escaped axe murderer. Despite it being expository, the facial expressions of the Trotter trio are priceless; Rodney and Grandad display pure terror while Del is simply dumbfounded, inconvenienced that his money-making weekend has hit a snag. The scene where the Trotters first arrive at the cottage is also Only Fools at its best with Sullivan's one-liners delivered perfectly by David Jason, Nicholas Lyndhurst and Lennard Pearce, cementing this threesome as my favourite in the show's history. The three have a perfect sync with each other and never miss a beat; indeed, my favourite lines in the episode are made even funnier because they flow impeccably between the three actors:

Rodney: Oh, he's most probably half-way to London by now.

Del: Yeah, of course he is. He's most probably looking for an empty place up there.

Grandad: Hope he don't find our flat.

Del: Will you shut up?!

The Monopoly scene is a welcome break from the tension. It's novel to see the Trotters talk about something other than money or girls while the thunderstorm still exists in the distance reminding us that although they're playing a 'safe' board game, they are anything but safe. Perhaps as a foreshadow to the climax, Del still adopts his business prattle when conning Rodney out of Monopoly money for putting him in the 'penthouse suite' of his fictional hotel, showing that he is always thinking about money, even in a friendly game. This scene also unearths some facets of Rodney's character: he's a sore loser who sulks like a petulant teenager when things don't go his way. Perhaps Rodney is still reeling from failing after the previous episode 'Healthy Competition' (1983) and still feels that he has to prove himself to Del and Grandad? Regardless of its purpose, this notion reminds one of Harold Steptoe; Rodney has to lose to Del like Harold has to to his father in order to maintain the sense of paralysis and stagnation that all good sitcoms try to instil on their characters: the young has to lose to the old and have to gain experience, but ultimately never muster enough to leave. It shows that Sullivan was not only inspired by films in 'Friday the 14^th', but also other sitcoms like Steptoe and Son. The scene culminates in probably the most famous moment in the episode: Rodney seeing 'the face in the window'. John Sullivan fans would recognise the man as Bill Ward; not Black Sabbath's drummer; but an actor who had appeared as a semi-regular as Reg the barman from Citizen Smith. His somewhat haggard looks are rather startling the first time, especially with the lightning flash emphasising his stern look as he stares at Rodney aimlessly, but the moment returns to comedy after Rodney pulls the curtain back sheepishly and is frozen by fear and disbelief. The moment is a perfect complement to the Monopoly scene because that is so light-hearted while the thought of a stranger nearby is so terrifying. Sullivan allows the drama in this episode to breathe because of the frequency of the comedy and the fact that he can change gears easily and combine them.

The axe murderer (or the 'Madman' as described in the cast list) is an interesting character because he is one of an exclusive club who manage to draw out fear from Del. Throughout the series, Del has been frightened of very few people; Tommy McKay (initially) in 'No Greater Love' (1982), The Driscoll Brothers in 'Little Problems (1989), Eugene McCarthy from 'Stage Fright' (1991) and, arguably, Roy Slater because of his tenacious and illegal efforts to imprison him in 'May the Force Be With You' (1983) and 'To Hull and Back' (1985) are the only few that spring to mind, however, as violent or manipulative as they may seem, they are only gangsters, thugs or bent coppers; the axe murderer, on the other hand, is worse than all of those because he is of course a killer, but he is also insane and unpredictable. He's raving mad of course, but he does speak some logic about how winning can leave one 'open to attack'. The only competition for the murderer would be the Occhetti family from 'Miami Twice' (1991) yet Del never confronts the Don directly nor does he engage with the Mafia after he knows the truth about them, so it makes Del's encounter with the axe murderer in 'Friday the 14^th' one of the more intense moments in the entire series. It is to Sullivan's credit that he can twist such a frightening situation into a classic comedy scene. Sullivan mainly kept the drama and comedy separate save for a few select moments, yet here he writes the scene as nail-biting but also very tongue in cheek. Lines like 'It's all right, it's Barratts!' diffuse the tension and make what could have been a hard to watch scene very watchable. Also amusing is Del's attitude to the whole situation. Del has shown to be streetwise, so this episode highlights how much of a survivor he is; his natural charisma persuades the murderer to give him his axe and he effectively stalls the murderer until the authorities arrive. The crafty facets of Del's personality come to the fore when he progresses from trying to save his life to his taking liberties with the murderer such as wagering on an invisible snooker game. This shows a kind of refuge for Del; he's in deadly danger yet he thinks about money and earning the upper hand. As Sullivan himself said: '...even in his hour of need in a terrifying situation, Del will still try to find a way of earning a fiver! He's in another part of the world, but Del Boy's still trying out his Peckham tricks.'

In closing, 'Friday the 14^th' is my favourite episode of Only Fools and Horses and one of my favourites of any sitcom because John Sullivan did something different and successfully married comedy and various forms of drama to create a perfect example of comedy-drama that films such as Scary Movie should watch and study. The fact that this episode runs at thirty minutes and is nigh on perfect is a testament to Sullivan's accomplished writing talents and his knowledge and faith in his characters. Taken out of Peckham for half an hour, they are allowed to grow a little more and indulge in behaviour they wouldn't normally have to. The joy of 'Friday the 14^th' is other than it being hilariously funny, the crew create an atmosphere that isn't found in any other episode of Only Fools and Horses making it totally unique. While 'Miami Twice' had a very similar premise, basically that the Trotters were under the mercy of killers, it has an entirely different mood, that of consciously being a film; while 'Friday the 14^th' has the quiet dignity of being a drama akin to an episode of Tales of the Unexpected except with far more laughs and this, to me at least, makes it more enjoyable to watch. Less is more after all. It is just the Only Fools episode to watch at Halloween or any Friday the 14^th that happens to be on the calender. It is just one of series three's many gems and a part of John Sullivan's attempts to experiment with mood for that particular year; 'Homesick' was a tearjerker, 'Healthy Competition' had a strong Steptoe and Son vibe, 'Yesterday Never Comes' was a caper, 'May the Force Be With You' was a parody of cop shows, 'Wanted' and 'Who's a Pretty Boy?' were simply laugh out loud funny and 'Thicker Than Water' started to retcon and shape the series' backstory. It was them and episodes like 'Friday the 14^th' that demonstrated that there was more to this series than met the eye and the belief that the series would have a bright future was more than a suggestion.

-John Sullivan quotations from issues 6 and 18 of The Only Fools and Horses DVD Collection.